The sun is out as busy workers scurry about their day trapped like rats on a sinking ship. Sure the buildings still glistened in the sunshine but for how long? How long has that woman that just walked by had that sun dress slowly starting to tatter and fray before she has nothing? Will we all see the end soon?
These are questions I ask myself often. Every day I wake up and read the local, provincial and federal news. Do you know what I see, oh I see a lot. Questions are raised more often than not about the quality of people the local media conglomerates call leaders of men. It can make you furious some times which is why I gave up the TV no sense buying television if you’re just going to put your shoes or bricks threw it every time some asshole says something.
I chose to live in slower times, at a slower pace. It was not always this way as I’m sure you would have gathered by my comment on why I don’t use a TV set any more. I recently returned from a vacation to the mountains for a few to many years and decided I better move back to a city for a bit. It’s all rather dull except for when it isn’t.
My goal is to get back to the woods as soon as possible but without a nice woman the job would be a hopeless, thankless task. Too much of a burden for all but a monk with a few vows to keep to his god, I myself am no monk although I try to maintain the allure of a good man. Whiskey, Weed and women where my cup of tea in the afternoon night and after work, Not the most flamboyant vice. Just good enough to maintain the soul at a decent level of entertained contentment for a period of life.
It will be of little consequence in the end. The self-doubt is not what is going to kill me, all these ladies will. It’s not that I am not confident in my ways about my craft, I just am never sure whether I deserve this or not and end up reinvesting it in my faith in humanity. Where has it gotten me? A room to rent a newfangled computer to write on a few dozen phones I never want to answer. I guess in the end my life has played out well in the end.
I remember this one girl in particular from many years ago. She was sweet, kind, smelled like strawberry and cannabis. Her best quality though was she never talked bad about people even if they deserved it. It just wasn’t her way. “all the power to humanity” she used to tell me as we would sit up late night in her apartment talking about philosophies both of us admired over cannabis and smiles.
I have a creeping feeling this ethic she helped me develop so long ago as stuck with me. I always regret not doing anything with her sexual but I always don’t regret it either. It was a lot deeper than that, when someone teaches you to live your own life just by being so damn awesome for you, it’s like a permanent release of all things negative. It truly is your own personal apocalypse and she was mine in my life.
“Do you want to go smoke a joint?” she asked kindly the moment I walked in the door for the first time
“I’d absolutely love that” I always used to reply
“Let’s go upstairs and I will roll us one, you pick the movie” she would usually say earlier on in our forays into each other’s minds.
After that we would always clamour up the stairs to her place, sometimes we would sit there quietly rolling and choosing something to watch, other times our two awkward souls would attempt small talk. Had I known she always wanted to make movies I would have chosen the first selection I ever chose better, I’m just glad she liked my favorite kung fu movie too maybe. From there we usually meandered into our bud snob mode discussing the nuggets of the day and so forth and mentioning anything good we had smoked in our travels.
“So did you smoke anything good on your trip?” I would always ask if she had gone some place interesting recently.
“Yes I smoked some well grown local strains and a few of the crowd favorites grown in a different local then we are used to” was the usual response from her I usually only prodded for more info if it was a cup.
“What have you been smoking?” she usually asked me as I was traveling a lot across the province, seeking inspiration for my art at the time.
“Smoked some really good new hybrids but you know me I’m always looking for those well grown classics” I would usually reply all though one time I found a huge bag of a strain that was mostly lost for ever or so we thought.
As the night wore on we would always occasionally act like we are actually watching a TV show and sometimes we actually did watch stuff of TV, but most of our nights back then where just spent being happy with good company. I think at that point in our lives after getting fucked over a little too much it was good for the both of us.
We were cut from the same cloth two people that have been messed with for so long we just developed a cold silence towards most people and would have a tendency to cut people off at the slightest hint of bullshit. It was the way it all worked for us helped us heal a little bit maybe even.
It went on like this for a while. Hanging out and having good conversations over great weed. I have little trouble believing there would have been a future at that time. The only real problem I think was I had cold feet at the time. Never could go back from the embarrassment of that all. By the time I unfrozen my black heart she was gone like the wind in that sense. Don’t get me wrong she is still the coolest person on in my inner circle of people who know me well enough to answer the phone late at night to help me out. I just don’t think we ever could have made it work. That was the hardest thing for both of us, we usually had gotten our way and were getting used to that being the norm.
So back to the city I came as I never really wanted her to fallow but I never wanted to be away from her either perhaps the mistake was all mine perhaps it was all a broken souls illusions while repairing itself. The biggest fear is perhaps I never really knew myself at all. It’s just weird I never wanted kids just a pirate queen to go on adventures with and all I want now is a family, Perhaps I just failed at getting both so here I am in middle of an open city pouring my heart out to strangers for drinks and good times so I can keep writing about what we all call a fun life but still never sure why. Thanks for taking the time to listen now buy me another drink please.
I know i know i need to rewrite parts fuck off me I’m to damn hard on myself rewrite it anyway then piss on your own shoe to take out the anger. look asshole this is why it’s called a first draft, you should have learn that in school. Lookk buddy i killed my teachers before they got to English lessons for looking at me funny. Seriously though its a first draft i plan on re writing the whole conversation parts I’m banging out a couple of short story drafts a day right now and seeing where it lands when i am not drawing i figure it fits with everyone attention span lol. feel free to comment